


Now or Never

by hamiltonfics



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Guns, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Trans John, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-08
Updated: 2016-03-08
Packaged: 2018-05-25 11:18:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6192961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hamiltonfics/pseuds/hamiltonfics
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Philip never understood how his father died. This is how.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Now or Never

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Lonely, But Not Alone](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6192838) by [grump_ass](https://archiveofourown.org/users/grump_ass/pseuds/grump_ass). 



> please read the trigger warnings in the tags!! this is... fairly graphic?
> 
> also make sure to read Levi's Lonely, But Not Alone chapter 1 first for background details and whats going on, you may be lost otherwise :) also it's good hes a good writer read his fics

As the door closed, John’s resolve crumbled. He had been so ready, so fucking sure, and then Alex touched him so softly and kissed him, and Philip had hugged him and said he loved him… John swallowed the rising bile in his throat and hugged his daughter closer to his chest. 

He made himself go upstairs with her, listening to her soft gurgling and trying desperately to ignore it. John’s wrists ached and itched and his mind kept leaping between ‘just fucking slash them’ and ‘you have to get your child in bed’. He took shallow breaths as he managed to get Angelica into her crib before leaving her room. She was sleeping, so John wasn’t worried about her.

John numbly went back down the stairs, ignoring the voice in his head that said ‘just fall, just go ahead’. He knew it wouldn’t kill him. It wasn’t worth it. It would just be another hospital bill Alex would have to pay. Another burden… He knew the best way to do it, he just had to get up the courage.

The kitchen light was still on, and he moved into the kitchen to turn it off. He knew he shouldn’t, with the knife block so fucking inviting… He tore his eyes away and they immediately fell on the medicine cabinet. John felt sick. He knew it had to happen- this is the day, the hour. It’s over. 

Nauseated, he slowly sank down against one of the walls. His eyes stayed straight ahead even as he felt himself hit the ground, frozen as his mind blankly tried to convince itself to focus. Focus, John, you’ve wanted this for years, you’ve always wanted this. This is your chance, you decided you were going to do this, just fucking do it. The way you’ve wanted to, you’ve meant to. Go ahead. It went on for what felt like hours, and he knew he had to move quick if he was going to do it when he had decided to. 

Wait a little while after they go, until Angie is asleep and they’ve left on their day trip, and then it’s safe. Then they won’t find you for a few hours. Even if somehow the gunshot doesn’t kill you, you’ll have bled out by the time they’re back. He kept running it through. It was time.

But every time he had convinced himself to stand up and go into the office and unlock the safe with the gun- he remembered Alex’s face, smiling and saying he loved him… His little personal sun. The only sun that ever shone light on him anymore, the only one that had in years. 

That thought grounded him, finally. The thought that his life had always been this shitty, this miserable, a few little sparks found in Alex and Martha and now Philip and Angelica keeping him alive thus far… But that could only work for so long. He had been so ready months ago when he was pregnant with Angelica, but he couldn’t kill her too. He had waited, and then for a little while, it had felt good again. But it didn’t last, not even a week. He knew it never would.

He stood up, and intentionally avoided looking at the knife block and the medicine cabinet. Distractions. John took a deep breath and walked towards the front door, towards the office. 

He didn’t even notice that the door was slightly ajar. 

He hadn’t heard Philip enter. 

John’s strides got longer as he forced himself to move quicker towards the office. Now or never, he kept repeating to himself in his head. He had planned this, making sure he could open the safe last night while Alex had been brushing his teeth. Making sure Alex and Philip would be out for hours at least, and he could stay home. 

He didn’t even realize the force with which he shut the office door, didn’t notice the loud slam that echoed throughout the quiet house. 

He didn’t hear Philip’s soft start at the loud noise.

All John could focus on was the safe as he quickly twirled the combination and removed the gun. Now or never, now or never, now or never. His ears were roaring with adrenaline as he took a deep breath and raised the gun to his head, closing his eyes. 

“Now or never,” he whispered, and pulled the trigger.


End file.
